website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
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When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!