Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
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Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.