When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
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Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
my first dose meeting my second
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you