I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
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All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
There is no try. There is only give up.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭