Never go to sleep after making me angry
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I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.