YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
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I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?