Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
You Might Also Like
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.