A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
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[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Snapes on a plane.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema