My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
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HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
the three genders
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*