Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
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Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Thoughts
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.