Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
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Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.