shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
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My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
the noise i just made
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh