i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
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You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
bout dat hot dog summer
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?