it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
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I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
🤭😂
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.