Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
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A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Worth remembering.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1