My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
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All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Dolls on drugs
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Sell your car
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Knock Knock
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me: