No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
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At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”