Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
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Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”