BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
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I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
*orders delivery*
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.