my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
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I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
How high do the levels go?
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
This hospital has everything
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.