hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
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I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off