good for her
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Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana