[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
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No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair