You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
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There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.