Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
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A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”