Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
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[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend