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I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.