Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
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Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Hit me in the face with a bird
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.