Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
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not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.