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The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented