*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
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“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Big Sex has us all fooled
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.