“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
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At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
is this a warning or an offer?
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog