The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
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the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy