[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
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Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!