Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
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I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA