I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
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My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two