With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
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[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.