Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
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having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out