” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
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Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Storm Tropical Storm
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.