Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
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*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.