I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
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Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Yup
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…