Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
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“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
This could be us… but you playing
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you