To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
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Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
The answer is funnier than the question
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Mummies are just super modest zombies
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
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Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber