I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
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It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me