My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
You Might Also Like
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?