Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
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My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
me after drinking all the wine:
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.