tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
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guilty
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”