I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
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”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha