Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
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Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
You wish you had this many chins.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone