i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
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My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Born to be mild.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.